刘晓波的诗:体验死亡 （Poem by Liu Xiaobo)

(全诗共4节，这是最后一节）

原文

English translation on New York Times 12/09/2010

我本想在阳光下 加入殉道者的行列 用仅存的一根骨头 支撑起虔诚的信仰 但，天空并不会 为牺牲者镀上金黄 一群饱食死尸的狼 在正午的温暖中 喜气洋洋 遥远地 我把生命放逐到 一个没有太阳的地方 逃出耶稣生日的纪元 我不敢正视十字架上的目光 从一支烟到一小堆灰烬 我被烈士的酒灌醉 以为这个春天已经消逝 当我在深夜的烟摊前 被几个大汉拦路抢劫 戴上手铐蒙住眼睛堵住嘴巴 扔进不知驶向何方的囚车 蓦然醒悟：我还活着 当我的名字在中央电视台 变成新闻中的“黑手” 无名者的白骨立在遗忘里 变成一枚英雄勋章 我被自编的谎言高高擎起 逢人便讲我体验过死亡 尽管我知道 死是神秘的未知 活着，便无法体验死亡 而死了 就再不能体验死亡 但 我仍在死中飞翔 沉沦地飞翔 无数个铁窗后的夜晚 和星光下的坟墓 被我的噩梦出卖 除了谎言 我一无所有 1990年6月于秦城监狱

I had imagined being there beneath sunlight with the procession of martyrs using just the one thin bone to uphold a true conviction And yet, the heavenly void will not plate the sacrificed in gold A pack of wolves well-fed full of corpses celebrate in the warm noon air aflood with joy Faraway place I’ve exiled my life to this place without sun to flee the era of Christ’s birth I cannot face the blinding vision on the cross From a wisp of smoke to a little heap of ash I’ve drained the drink of the martyrs, sense spring’s about to break into the brocade-brilliance of myriad flowers Deep in the night, empty road I’m biking home I stop at a cigarette stand A car follows me, crashes over my bicycle some enormous brutes seize me I’m handcuffed eyes covered mouth gagged thrown into a prison van heading nowhere A blink, a trembling instant passes to a flash of awareness: I’m still alive On Central Television News my name’s changed to “arrested black hand” though those nameless white bones of the dead still stand in the forgetting I lift up high up the self-invented lie tell everyone how I’ve experienced death so that “black hand” becomes a hero’s medal of honor Even if I know death’s a mysterious unknown being alive, there’s no way to experience death and once dead cannot experience death again yet I’m still hovering within death a hovering in drowning Countless nights behind iron-barred windows and the graves beneath starlight have exposed my nightmares Besides a lie I own nothing